LODD Close to home.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term, LODD stands for Line of Duty Death, used when speaking about fire fighters. And thus far, as long as I can remember the closest to home in a long time.  On Saturday August 9, 2008, a good friend, great instructor, and my chief’s brother collapsed during a structural burn training session. He later passed away at the hospial in cardiac arrest.

This was a very devastating death for the local communities around where I live. Just about everyone in this area knew Sean Whiten, or was taught by him at some point. He taught me everything that I know about fire fighting. In fact, my class was the last Essentials class that he taught beginning to end.

He was laid out at the funeral home for two nights. Tuesday night my station, 33, went and paid our respects to Sean and his family. We were the largest group of firemen there that night. Wednesday night there were somewhere around 500 fire fighters there for a memorial service for Sean.

Yesterday morning was the full out fire fighter’s funeral for this man who will be greatly missed. There were somewhere around 1000 fire fighters in attendance for his funeral services. There were more than 125 fire apparatus in the small towns of Roscoe and Stockdale where the funeral services were held. There were bag pipers playing in the distance, and not a dry eye in the place. Once Sean’s casket was carried out and put into the hearse, among full salute from his fellow fire fighters, the county set off his tones and gave Captain Sean T. Whiten his “last call” You could hear his fire whistle going off in the distance, among the sniffles and tears from 1000 fire fighters.

This was a great man, who taught many people many things about the fire service, myself included. He will be sadily missed by everyone.

Small Victories…

All of my life I was fat. I don’t just mean a little overweight. I mean all out, fat all over fat. At my heaviest I weighed 327 pounds. I am now down to an amazing feeling 170. I’m sure that could I afford the plastic surgery to lose this skin I’d be around 155 or so. But I feel great… So, I had a small victory yesterday while out shopping with my aunt and grandmother.

I have a good friend that is one of the managers at Aeropostale at the local mall. I had never been in that store before, and while killing time waiting for my grandmother, I wandered in just looking for my friend. Well, she picks up a pair of jeans and tells me that she wants me to try them on. I look at her, laugh, and ask “which leg do you want me to put those on?” After being so big for so long I still have issues parting with the fat mentality that goes with it. She looks at me, unlocks the fitting room, and proceeds to follow me in. Of course after 20+ years of friendship, she’s seen just about every inch of me, even at my biggest.

I tried the jeans on, and they fit! Oh my God. You have no idea how I felt when I actually was able to fit into a pair of jeans from Aeropostale. And I looked good in them. My ass looks amazing in these jeans. I couldn’t believe it, and they were on sale for $19.99. I had to have these jeans. I took the jeans, along with two cute little tank tops that I found, also on sale, and proceeded to the register.

I couldn’t believe it, I, former fat girl, was about to make my first purchase at Aeropostale. I was so psyched. And it was on sale. I got $85 worth of clothes for $42. Now I was twice as excited. I couldn’t wait to show K, but of course he was working last night. John and I went to see him for lunch today, and I just had to wear my new jeans. After K put John in the car seat I turned around giving him a good look at my ass. “Don’t these jeans make my ass look great?: To which his reply was that I was crazy. “Of course I am, but you love me.” With that he just looked at me, smiled, gave me my kiss and went back to work.

I also did a little shopping today. My friend Lauren, whom I love very dearly, is headed down the aisle next October. I was told that I needed to find a brown or khaki, cream, etc, etc, colored dress. Well, I found one today. A size 12! and it was on sale for $2.50!! The zipper is a little messed up, but my grandmother, who once made a wedding dress for someone should have no problem fixing it. I can’t wait until it’s fixed so that I can take it to Florida with me next month so that I can show Lauren and get her approval on it. Yay, vacation, 1 month and counting!

Long week.

Well, I had a day off from work last Wednesday. I took John for a haircut, and we had lunch with K. After that we didn’t do much of anything because of the storms that rolled through. Thursday I worked 8-6, Friday I again had to be at work at 8am. Not a big deal, I don’t mind having to be at work at 8. Well, while I was preparing for a day in which I would be done working at 6pm someone had called off. My aunt asked if there were anyway that I could possibly close, read as, work till midnight. Of course I told her that I would. I couldn’t possibly leave her high and dry. Also figuring that I was off Saturday so that I would have a chance to sleep in and just veg-out.

At 11am I had left work to go back home for a few hours before having to be back at work at 5pm to close the store. I figured that it would be a good opportunity for a nap. My 2 year old thought otherwise. Needless to say there was no nap for me. So of course I went back to work and finished up around midnight. Got home around 1 am. By time I got to bed it was like 2-2:30. Not a problem, I can sleep in. Woo hoo.

FOrward to 8:15 Saturday morning. The phone rings. I did not answer it, my grandmother did. She brings the phone into where I am sleeping and tells me that it was for me. Upon answering it I find that it is my aunt, and she needs me to come to work. That I would be done working at 4pm. Thinking of the dollar signs I get up, get dressed, and leave for work. Well 4 pm rolls around and my relief is no where to be seen. I finally got out of work around 5:30 or so.

From that point I drove to K’s hockey game. The game took roughly an hour. Afterwards we were standing between our cars “arguing” about what we were going to do for the evening. Both of us were cracking up. He of course said something about me being a pain in his ass, to which I gave my typical response, “yeah but you love me.” To which he responded “I’m not saying anything.” I said you don’t have to say anything I know. He said “Yeah we both know that it’s true but I’m not coming out and saying it” So, K does love me, but he’s afraid to say the words. I don’t need him to say the words though. I know all that I need to know just by looking into his eyes.

We were “arguing” again after that when his best friend came up and said “Don’t make me have to seperate you two” At which point we just started laughing. As I was driving away I stopped the truck and yelled to him “go take a shower, you stink” (from him playing hockey) To which he replied “like you smell any better” (from work)

Once we were both showered and changed K came to pick me up and we headed out to get something to eat. We had tickets to go see The Dark Knight for 10:10 pm. It was a very good movie. Heath Ledger was very freaky as the Joker. Just very long. The movie was over at 1am. I was home around 1:30. By time I got to bed it was like 2-2:30. I was back up at 8:30 so that I could wash my work clothes so that I could be back at work by 11 am this morning. I was done working around 5:30. I spent the rest of the evening with my family, and of course have to be back at work tomorrow by 8am. I also work open on Tuesday.

I’m scheduled off for Wednesday, and if I’m lucky I will get it off. But I do have a job interview with UPS on Wednesday at 5pm, so if I do end up having to go to work, I have to be out of there no later than 2:30. And that is where we are right now. A whole hell of a lot of work, and an almost admission of love. What a week so far….

Ready for vacation

Things have been pretty hectic around here for me lately. I had John’s birthday party on Saturday. It turned out to be a really nice day. It was very hot. Everyone went swimming. Except of course me, because I don’t have a bathing suit. I can’t believe that my baby is 2 years old already. Seems like only yesterday I was holding him in my arms, he had depended on me for everything back then. Now he thinks that he is Mr. Independant.

I’ve also been putting in close to 50 hours a week at work. Most of the time I like my job. There are a few days that I don’t. Yesterday was a day that both my aunt and I didn’t feel like going to work. Good thing we did. 2 people had called off sick. Last night we finished working around midnight and got home around 1230. Had to be at work this morning by 8, so I was up around 6 or so…

K and I are planning on going on vacation back to Florida the first week in September. I can’t wait, I’m so excited. I’ve already started researching prices on plane tickets already. This year it’s my turn to buy the plane tickets. We are going to stay with my good friend Lauren and her fiancee Bill. K will be springing for the rental car and GPS again. Since he owns a car and has car insurance already it will be cheaper. I hope that we can go back to the tiki bar again, at least once. That was awesome sitting out there, watching the sunset over the lake. I can’t wait.

And when we’re in Orlando, we have to go back to M&M world. John needs his own M&M beach towel. And I’d love to go back to Universal City Walk. That was a lot of fun last year too. This year we can go into the bars cause I have photo ID now. Ha ha. Yeah, Lauren, PA finally decided to transfer my Colorado license. Only took them 5 years. But I guarantee you when you see it, it’s definitely the best driver’s license picture I’ve ever seen. lol.

I can’t wait to see Lauren and spend some time with her again. I miss her lots. We talk as often as we can though. And of course one day while I’m down there we’ll have to leave Bill and K to do some manly bonding while we go dress shopping. I am not going to buy a dress without you being there. Yeah, I realize that I change tenses all the time when I type, and change person and point of view too, but I’m sure y’all know what I”m talking about…

Cutting Ties

Seems to be a trend around here. Also seems strange that Lauren and I always seem to go through some things together. lol. We’ve been friends for 5 1/2 yrs… Lauren is not who I have chosen to cut ties with.

I have decided today that it is going to be more healthy for me mentally to cut all ties with J. It seems that his new g/f M is going back and telling him that I have said things that I never said. Oh yeah, big surprise there, that seems to be the trend when it involves me nowadays.

Apparently she had been telling everyone at work that she was dating him and that I had decided that I wanted him. Not true if you remember seeing my previous post. Then she decided that she was going to quit her job and move in with him. 3 days after they met! Is that insane or what. Well then apparently she is now telling him that I have said that she stole him from me. That is also very not true. Had we been together in the first place trust me, there would have been no stealing him away from me. Now she’s telling everyone that they are engaged.

So, I decided that I did not need to put up with more of the same bullshit that I have been putting up with for the past month and a half. I texted him, because of course he wouldn’t answer his phone, that I think it best that we just go our seperate ways now. The shit was getting too deep. Well of course, because he believed everything she said, wihtout getting the actual facts, he believed her. Which is fine with me. I do not need people like that in my life.

On the other hand, K and I have been spending a lot more time together lately. Things have been going pretty well. Almost back to the way they used to be. Before all the bull shit started happening.

In the end I think that I made the best choice for myself staying with K and getting rid of J. K is just more stable, both mentally and financially. K also has 2 jobs, where J is on disability. (Yeah I pick real winners I know) I feel a lot better knowing that I have made the best possible decision for myself, and for my son.

What does it all mean?

So I have been dating K for a year. We have had some rough spots recently, but all in all it has been a good year. J is my best guy friend. We have been friends for 6 months. Recently, in the past 2 months J and I have started spending a lot of time together once he left his wife. Usually we would just hang out here, at his place, or just ride around to no where in particular on his motorcycle.

K knows about J. K trusts me with J. He doesn’t care that we hang out and go out on the bike. And I have given K no reason not to trust me with J. J has told me that he thinks that I am the perfect woman, and that I should be put up on a pedestal. He has also said that I am too good for him, but he truly values our friendship and that nothing will change it.

Fast forward to last Saturday, June 28th. It was my sister’s graduation party. J and K were both invited. How would this turn out? Well, it actually turned out very well. J and K got along really well. They were talking and getting along like old friends. That was good. I didn’t want there to be any trust issues there, so why not get the 2 of them together. J was trying to get my sister on the back of his bike, so he figured if he took me for a ride that maybe she would go for a ride. Well, I did go for a ride, I love riding the bike, in fact so much that I am going to take my permit test so that I can get my motorcycle license. Well of course my sister chickened out. K had never been on a motorcycle before so J took him for a ride too. K loved it.

Well, I needed a ride home from work yesterday so J offered to pick me up on the bike since K was working all day. He works 2 jobs during the week and is usually gone for 13 hours. Since we were so busy I got off work a little later than expected. Not a problem for J, he doesn’t mind waiting for me. Well there was this girl that I work with M. She saw J and said that he had a nice ass. When J and I were leaving I told him what she said. Then he started asking questions about her, which I answered. Then M started texting me and asking me questions about J that I answered. So then I get a text last night from M, that she had been talkig to J and that they were now dating.

Here’s the part that I don’t get… I have really strong feelings for K. I don’t know for sure if I love him, but I think that I might. I love J like a brother. If that is really how I feel, why then did it hurt so bad when M told me that her and J were now dating? Why did that then cause me to start acting a little different toward J? He called me this morning to see if K was coming to take me out for a little bit, and I heard M talking in the background. Why then did I do everything that I could to get off of the phone with J?

He told me that him dating someone wouldn’t change our friendship, but since last night, he really hasn’t answered any of my texts or my phone calls. He wanted me to call him when K went home to tell him how things went between us, knowing the problems K and I have been having, but when I tried to call him, just got his voicemail.

What is wrong with me? Does this mean that deep down I kinda have feelings for J too? And if so, what does it all mean?

My son loves the phone

So I was off work today. I had attempted to clean the pool. I was having issues getting the vacuum to work. It wasn’t the fact that it wouldn’t work, it was the fact that I couldn’t get the stupid thing together. So while taking a break from fighting with the stupid thing, I was sitting on the porch talking to my grandmother. I had my cell phone sitting in my lap because I had been texting my friend Jamie.

Before I knew what was happening, my son had my phone out of my lap and into a full glass of water. Which he then proceeded to drink half of, and dump the rest in the flower pot. Needless to say, my phone wouldn’t work after that. K was supposed to come over and we were to have lunch and talk. Well, when he got there I asked him if he would mind running down to the mall so that we could go to the Verizon store to see what I had to do about getting my phone fixed.

Amen for taking out the insurance on the thing. I have had the phone for less than a month.K and I decided with a 2 year old running around that it would be prudent to get the insurance on the phones. Had I not gotten the insurance I would have had to flat out buy a brand new phone. With the insurance all I had to do was tell the insurance company what had happened, and they then charged me a $50 deductible so they would overnight me a brand new phone.

Brand new phone for $50. Not too bad. So the new phone will be at K’s house tomorrow, and he has to send the broken phone back. So I emptied all the info I had in my phone. I gave K the old phone so that when he gets the new phone tomorrow he can just put the old phone in the envelope that they send and send it back. It would cost $300 if they send you a new phone, and you don’t send the old one back. So until I can see K again I’m phone-less. And completely lost.

Love??

So I’ve been doing a whole lot of thinking lately. My main point I keep coming back to is, how do you know what love is? How is it supposed to feel? I thought that I knew when I married C. I thought that I was so in love with him, and I thought that in turn he had loved me too.

Well, let me tell you, it was so not true. He never loved me, not really, even though he said he did. How do you know if someone is in love with you? How can you tell for sure? Can anyone truly answer that? Obviously, I had the words with C, and in the end the words turned out to be meaningless. It’s said that actions speak louder than words. Which I have seen prove true, but not with C. Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays came and went, I never got so much as a 50 cent card from the dollar store. Never. One time I did get a pair of hockey skates for Christimas, but tht’s because it’s what I asked for, and also I had to call the store myself and order them. Which while I was at it, went and ordered C a brand new pair of hockey skates too.

With K, he buys me things, he takes me out, he spends money on me. Not that I’m high maintenance or anything, in fact quite the opposite I believe. I don’t need to have things, but sometimes it is nice to be surprised. For Christmas K bought me the most beautiful silver bracelet with all different gemstones in it. I didn’t know how to react, because of course this was quite the opposite of what I had always gotten when I was with C.

What I do know is that I do have very strong feelings for K. I am very happy when we are together. And I know that he feels the same. We just can’t stop smiling and laughing when we are together. My friends like him, his friends like me. It seems almost too perfect. How do I know if what I truly feel for K is love in it’s most pure form? How can I tell if what he feels for me is the same? What is the one sure fire way to know that you have found the one person that you are meant to be with for the rest of your life?

Yeah, this is me in a nutshell

You Are 93% Tortured Genius

You totally fit the profile of a tortured genius. You’re uniquely brilliant - and completely misunderstood. Not like you really want anyone to understand you anyway. You’re pretty happy being an island.

Are You a Tortured Genius?

I’m tired

So after working as a medical assistant for 7 years I was starting to get pretty burnt out. I put it my notice at my last job, and my final day of work there was May 30th. I took the next two weeks to just relax, spend some time with my son, and do a lot of soul searching, while applying for other jobs.

The one job that I really wanted I didn’t get, probably because I didn’t know the right people. I would have loved to be a 911 operator for the county. It would have worked out well with my medical background, my EMT certification, and the fact that I”m a volunteer fire fighter. I then applied for several other positions before deciding that I was going to work at Long John Silver’s/A&W with my aunt. The pay was good, just about what I was making at my last job, and the hours are great. I work 4 ten hour shifts. That gives me 3 days off per week. That works really well for me with the baby. More time I will get to spend with him.

My first day of work was yesterday. I started working at 8 am and finished up around 6 pm. I was learning how to run the drive through. By mid-afternoon I was doing pretty well and able to run it by myself. My only problem was not being able to find all of the buttons on the cash register, at which point I would politely ask the person in their car to wait, whie yelling “Help” at the other counter. But it was all good.

Today I started working at 8:30am and finished up at 10 pm. It was a decent day. I started out running the drive through in the morning again, but come afternoon I was running the front counter. Not too bad. Between the other girl that was working out front and me, we did pretty well.

So, the deal with K and I… I was done working at 6pm last night, he was done at 4pm. He didn’t want to do anything with me last night, instead he went out with his friends even though I told him that with the way we are both working now I wouldn’t be able to see him until next Saturday, the 21st. He was ok with that. I really wasn’t, but what was I going to do? I think I might take a ride out to his job tomorrow around his break time so we can spend some time together since I am off tomorrow and tuesday. We definitely need to sit down and have a conversation. Just not sure anymore. I really love him, and I know that he only really likes me. Just he has to give a little bit here too.

Anyway, I’m pretty darn tired after two long days at work. I’m gonna go lay down and see if I can get some sleep.